The Pleaser

ToastMasters Competent Communications Series 

Project 1 - The Ice Breaker Speech - by Tattu Nakanjako Tamale

Speech Title - THE PLEASER

You want it... if I have it or know where to get it... then I will give it to you!

5 years ago that was my anthem, I fought to please anyone and everyone, be it friends, family, workmates and even strangers. I didn’t care if I was happy as long as someone else thought I was good and entirely reliable. A good friend of mine Stella Katana (May her Soul Rest in Peace) once told me “Tattu, your biggest weakness is that you live to please others at your own expense”. I came to believe her years after her passing.

With family I strived to stand out, the one every person could run to for help whether financial or emotional support. I have five siblings and being the middle child, I strived to be the best, the one who lived to please others especially my parents. I ended up becoming a lawyer, a profession my father worshipped and always wished one of his children would pursue. My first brother ventured into tourism, my second brother became an architect and so I felt it was up to me to grant my father’s wish to have a lawyer in the family. I didn’t want to be a lawyer but I went through 4 years at Makerere Law School and one extremely draining year at Law Development Centre just to please my father. This, I believe explains why later in life I ended up working for National Planning Authority an organization whose main function is far from legal practice and why I ventured into a Master’s Programme in Business Administration rather than a Master of Laws.

At school I did what pleased my friends, I didn’t think twice to do anything as long as I felt that it would please a friend of mine, this got me into trouble a couple of times. I was in a Catholic school where you would be excused for committing any offense other than blasphemy! This was St. Joseph’s SSS Naggalama for my O’Level. We had crucifixes above each blackboard in every classroom, and one day, someone, I do not know to date, turned it upside down. I want you to imagine Jesus Christ on a cross facing upside down in a Catholic school! Everyone thought it was funny and I thought I would make it more fun, so I, the people pleaser gets chalk, I stand on a table and I write below the turned crucifix WE STRIVE FOR ‘SOLIDAR’ (am sure most of us here know the meaning of Solidar, you know, unity among a group/class of people).

What followed after that day, on top of receiving an unknown number of lashes, our entire class was cursed by the school Chaplain, I remember this moment vividly because it was end of third term and during the end of term mass as he was giving his final blessing this is what he said: “May the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you, and to the class that turned the crucifix upside down, may you go home haunted, tormented and unsettled”. Two students were expelled that year for that incident and up to now, I do not know how I survived. This should have been my turning point but I didn’t take it.

University was not different, I moved into Africa Hall at Makerere University which had a different breed of people. For some reason, this Hall was reserved for ladies from Gayaza, Namagunga or Nabisunsa and I don’t know how I ended up there from Kawempe Muslim School were I completed my A ‘Level (That year we were only 2 students from Kawempe and the like schools to reside in that Hall). Now, these were a hard breed of people to please, they were more focused on their images, aura, how they carried themselves and the fellowships. I sought company from the neighbors at Mary Stuart where most of my former classmates resided and I embarked on a pleasing journey. I did everything you can think of a campus girl would do just to please other people.

My personal relationships were worse, I did what the other person wanted and not once did I do things for me, it was all about the happiness of someone else. I was miserable, the low self-esteem was eating me up. And then gradually I started realizing that all these people I fought to please didn’t make any effort to do the same for me, they just waited on me to please. It had to STOP!

Through a long process more like getting over an addiction I stopped being the pleaser. I lost so many friends in the long run but those that were genuine stayed (and if they had not come today they wouldn’t matter anymore), some family members became bitter because I was not gullible anymore but I don’t regret it. I was finally free.

Currently, I am considerate to myself, I do things only after weighing the benefits for me, I travel more whether with family or friends or even alone. I am building lasting and healthy relationships where I am a priority, I am more happy and confident.

And now, am here not to please any of you, but to please myself.

Tattu Nakanjako Tamale

Toastmaster and Lawyer